Such Sadness;-( My son, who is now 12, was put in the custody of the State of Vermont last Thursday night.
Since he was a 2 yr old he has been a handful. He is extremely aggressive and violent, acting out by hitting people, breaking things and now last night he ran away.
I have two other children, who have to deal with this behavior. Their brother hurts them and destroys their things. I have sought help with/for him now for years and he has the ability to manipulate people in a way I have never seen anyone be able to do. He was diagnosed with Severe Bipolar/Manic Depression about 4 years ago, when given medication for this he got severe migraines and fought me about taking it,..so I stopped it.
I feel so alone,..I always have. I love my son, I do! He is probably the smartest child/person I know. He is so capable, yet he hates himself, hates life, and every day is a fight with him. He can be the sweetest child, for a brief moment anyway. Then, before you know it,… he changes,…it is like looking into the face of the devil.
He has told me that his “Brain feels upside down” and says he doesn’t know why he acts the way he does,..sometimes I believe him and other times I know he says it to get away with his behavior.
He has chased his sister with a steak knife, caught his own hair on fire when trying to burn down my house, hit me,..the list literally goes on and on.
It breaks my heart to think that I am a failure, that I can not be the mom he needs. I ask myself what he and I have done in a past life to deserve this. What child deserves to be so troubled and confused?
I went to court friday at 1 pm ;-( ….
The school just called and they said “Gabe needs help”..and I thought to myself,..REALLY??? Haven’t I been saying that for years? Haven’t I been seeking this help for his entire life-time? He will be 13 in October.
I am so afraid that if he continues on this path, he will be a high school drop-out and headed to jail by the time he is 16. And what a waste that would be. What a waste of an intelligent, charming human.
Why has it taken so long for them to see what I have told them all along? They all,….. the school, my family, friends,..everyone..has ALWAYS thought it was me and my husband, it was our fault. They all said we were just mean to him because he was always grounded or in trouble.
I should be relieved, I should be thankful that they now all get it,..and to some extent I am,.. BUT it breaks my heart to have to send my son away.
Our summers are filled with so much fun and he is going to miss out on it. He will miss out on our camping trips, our BBQ’s..he will miss out on all of our family fun.
Hopefully this situation will motivate him to do better, to work on getting better faster and to really strive to be the amazing, caring, smart individual that we all know he is, but that he doubt’s.
We are going to miss him,..so much. His little sister didn’t go to school today because she is so heart-broken. I don’t have the heart to wake her up right now and tell her that he went to school, she could have seen him;-(
Last night, when she returned from her friend’s house, I said “Ana, mommy and daddy need to talk to you” she must have sensed the seriousness of it (if you knew her this would break your heart). She said “What!” and I told her “Gabe never came home, so he is going into SRS custody” Her little 9-year-old face just dropped and she looked at me in shock until finally…she lost it! She started crying uncontrollably, asking why Gabe just couldn’t be good.
She said “Mommy, I know he is really mean to me all the time, but I love him anyway cuz he’s my family” 😦 My heart dropped. I know that this is the right thing for Gabe,..for all of us. It doesn’t mean it’s easy though. I always thought that when help finally came for him,..for us all,..that I would be happy (not happy like on Christmas morning, but happy to be getting the help) but instead I feel sick. I am questioning myself,,..is this my fault? Could I have done things differently? Am I doing the right thing?
When court comes today at 1 pm, I hope I am strong enough to go through with this,…because I know if I am not he will never get better,..he will never get the help he so desperately needs.
Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had. I try to be a good mom, a good person. I am not perfect though and I have made many mistakes along this road. I often wonder if my mom was still alive, if she hadn’t died 36 hours after Gabe was born, and a day before my oldest son turned 2, when I was 22,…would things be different? Would Gabe still have severe bipolar disorder? Would everything that has happened since her passing still have happened?
I can sit here and try to place the blame on this one or that one,..but really there is no one to blame. Life is a learning lesson everyday,..and everyday I try to learn from the day before.
I hope that they will allow Gabe to come to Ana’s 10th birthday party next weekend,…it won’t be the same if they don’t. Although her and Gabe are constantly fighting,..and I mean constantly,..he is not only her brother BUT HE IS HER BEST FRIEND!
Gabe’s older brother, Damion, misses him too. It has only been one night and Gabe goes to friends all the time,.. but this is different.
Damion is almost 15 and even though Gabe has destroyed everything Damion ever had, Damion still sticks up for his brother. Damion is the most mature 14-year-old that I know and all he said last night was “Why can’t Gabe act more like me mom and just smarten up?”
He tries to pretend that none of this is bothering him, that it is just another day in life, but I can tell by the look on his face that he feels bad. I think that maybe he feels guilty too. Like maybe this is his fault because he always wishes Gabe would just go away. Of course it isn’t his fault, he is just a child and ALL sibling’s fight and say things like that.
I even think that our dog and cat miss him. Like I said, Gabe is gone a lot but I think the animals can sense the difference. Maybe not though,..maybe it is just me feeling so guilty for letting him down and not being able to parent him the way he needs, that I think everyone else feels the same.
Things will be quiet around here that’s for sure. Quiet and sad,..sad because it’s not like he is at his friend Noah’s for the night, sad because I blame myself. I wonder if his biological father had been in his life,..if he had acted like a father,…would Gabe have been different? Would the situation we are in right now still be happening?
I just spoke with SRS/DCF and they asked me to pack clothing for Gabe and told me that the worker will be calling me in a little bit to discuss what to expect and what the plan is.
As of right now the plan will be me transferring custody of Gabe to his father for at least a year. He will be moving to Mississippi if this happens;-(
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- Meet Mark, he’s 12 and bipolar (blogs.windsorstar.com)