~Lost or Finally Seeing the Light?~

Have you ever lost yourself? Like really and truly lost who you are,..and fallen into the black hole that some call life? The same life that everyone lives day-to-day,..the one where some people wake up happily every morning, stomach full and bank account fuller because everything in their life is perfect (not saying it was easy to get there but it is,..right) and there are others who wish that waking up on any given day was not even an option. Those that wake up and wish that they could crawl farther into the hole because it seems simpler and,…well,..just plain easier than pulling themselves out of it. Even though the suffering hurts it almost feels ,..safe (i know, makes no sense right?) But when your life just gets crazy you can do one of two things,..well maybe three. You can smile and face the world and pretend everything is okay, only occasionally letting someone know it’s not,..you can fall deeper into the hole and let the whole world know or you can do both.

You can pretend on the outside that no one knows the awful truth, but everyone can see it on your face, it’s like a huge poster board, saying “I am insane” or “I am falling apart” and the best one,..the one that rarely gets a response…”HELP ME!”.

Most people see you like that and run away so you get to a point where you just shut out more and fall farther into your depression, sinking into the quick sand, barely even trying to grasp at the branches to pull yourself out.

You become someone YOU don’t even recognize anymore.

You are scared, fragile, weak, poor, lonely and desperate. The outside world still sees you,..well the you that was their image of you, the image you built up,..strong, resilient, hopeful, smart, outgoing and more confident than them. Maybe that’s why you hide your depression, your sickness…you don’t want to disappoint the ones that care, though very few do.

No matter how hard you try though, no matter how much you pretend,..you do (try)…you hurt the ones who love you most, trust you most and are there for you the most.

Your sorry. You really are. Sorry isn’t good enough, it never will be either.

It is time for a change,..not just saying its time either but to really act on it.

Take your head out of your ass,..or your book, look around you and at all the damage you have done.

Don’t blame everyone else,..even if they are the main reason that you hate yourself, even if they made you hate life,..take responsibility for you!

Admit that you’re not perfect, and start to do whats right to make you better and everything will follow,..at least that’s what this wise woman once told me, and even though she hates herself too,..she is SO RIGHT!

You will go through life feeling hated, ugly, fat,..the list just goes on,..only you can change that though,..and you have to want to…for you. Not for your boyfriend, who loves you but makes you feel worse, not for your children, (even though they will greatly benefit) do it for YOU!

A better you means being a better parent, a better person,…just plain better.

Those that love you and REALLY KNOW THE REAL YOU will still love you,..those that don’t,..just don’t and it is time for you to walk away from them and forget them.

Change is scary, feeling alone is scarier, but if losing yourself more than you already have means losing everyone you love, then don’t you think the least scary thing, the lesser of the ‘evils’ of your options is to embrace change and grow?

Allow the human in you to be human, allow your weakness’ to show, believe in yourself, stand up and be strong,…mean it! Get the help you need, whether it be therapy, friends or having faith in someone or something (doesn’t always mean God), embrace the help and force the change. It will be a long tedious process, probably longer then it took for you to become the way you are, but in the end it will be worth it.

Pick up the phone, call the person, therapist or friend that you can count on! Do it,..do it before you become another statistic.



4 thoughts on “~Lost or Finally Seeing the Light?~

  1. Life really DOES sucks some days, huh. Some OF those days – DO suck even worse than the day before that – & it’s so very hard to drag the proverbial ‘a$S’ out of that bed, whether that bed is a park bench, random bathtub in someone’s random apartment, off the carpet of the ‘friend’ you had to stay with but, in doing so, had to hide behind the couch, or- A BED!! (no–not what you think & yes I’ve delved that low, sorry to say!!) MY OWN!! Ahh to be grateful. GRATEFUL, you say? How DARE you! (ref/anyone, lol) These days I personally am grateful for MY OWN bed, thank you very much (Lord), along with a couple of cats, a nose full of cat hair & a mouth-full a half chewed cough drop (to get the taste of blood out of it, from rotten teeth that came with all of my UN grateful-ness.TMI? Naw, what the heck) with my cheek stuck onto my OWN pillow. Yes (atCHOO), I HAVE ‘been- there-done that’.

    It’s the fact that admittance is, or can be, a great sense of relief– almost cathartic in a matter of speaking. What one does WITH the admittance is the key. Will that, alone & itself- give ‘you’ (or me) the longer lasting relief that we need? That we desire? What we want is one thing but what we need– absolution– will that come from just admittance? Again, from a personal view & a proven one at that–admittance is great. Yay! But–what to do after that is what matters in life. The mundane daily struggles may be lightened, even for a bit, if there were pro activeness towards rebuilding ON that ‘A’ word, I’m not sure that penance of sorts is the answer, but it could very well be a single key in how ‘we’ wake up tomorrow. Pay back is often what the loose definition is: a bitch. (not sure on language ratings here?) YET it need NOT sound so harsh. Pay FORWARD is an easier term to deal with, plus that alone makes one feel better of themselves & it just may ‘count’ in the long-run. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” is a quote from an unknown source, yet I have said it often & thought about it even more. When that hand DOES get bitten, the wounds take time to heal, IF they CAN be healed. The ‘hand’ may need to be operated on & or amputated–for the rest of the ‘host’ to survive~ (I had posted this on another page dammit!!)


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